Results please

I went to the doctor Tuesday afternoon and finally learned what's been wrong.
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Nothing.  Absolutely everything came back in the normal ranges.  It's so frustrating because I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong.  I also had an ultrasound.  I learned that with the Clomid I took this cycle I have one, slim possibility of two, healthy follicles in my right ovary and two very small non-producing ones in my left.  From what I understand, Clomid is taken to help you produce more healthy follicles.  So maybe I just haven't been producing healthy eggs each cycle??  I don't know.  They gave me a shot of 'human chorionic gonadotropin.' (I believe that's what it was anyways.)  This is used to stimulate my body to actually ovulate--basically tell my body to release the egg from the follicle.  Next week I go in to have my blood drawn again to check for my progesterone levels.  If they aren't high enough they will give me another shot.  This will tell my body to keep the fertilized egg, if in fact there is one. Then I wait.

I think that the waiting is the hardest part.  It's such a small window to manipulate egg production and release that you have to be very specific when you take this med, or that med and then when you....well, you know.  Then just sit back and wait to see if it worked.  If it worked then that will be amazing and I'll yell at myself for not doing this sooner.  If it doesn't I go back in for round two of drugs, (a higher dose this time) and more testing.

It amazes me that support that I've had since I started talking about this.  I never realized how many of my friends have gone, or are currently going through, this same situation.  It seems like something that no one wants to talk about.  I understand that in a way.  As a female your body is hardwired to reproduce.  It doesn't matter what species you are, animals need to create new life or their existence dies off.  Making a baby should be one of the easiest things that I can do.  It should be a no-brainer....but it's not.  And a part of me can't help but feel ashamed.  Why can't I reproduce?  What is wrong with me?  These are the doubts that have plagued me since we started trying to have a baby so many years ago. That's why I never went to the doctor until now.  I felt that as a woman I shouldn't need help to have a baby.  That's what my body wants to do.  I quickly learned that is in fact not what my body wants to do.  I saw time and time again my friends and family have babies.  I kept on thinking that they were somehow better than me.  That I had done something wrong and was being punished.  Then I definitely didn't want to get help.  I didn't want to be told that it was never going to happen for me.

With all these negative thoughts floating around in my head it's no surprise that I slowly started to become depressed.  I would become withdrawn from my family.  I stopped doing things that made me happy.  I thought if I punished myself another way that this punishment of not having a baby would be lifted.  I started to gain weight.  Since moving out to NC it has gotten worse.  Yes I'm finally with Adam full time, but my entire support system is still back in MO.  Since being here I've gained more weight and am now heavier than I've ever been.  Just one more thing for me to be ashamed about.  The depression has gotten so bad that I can barely ride anymore.  I just don't see the point.  Why should I enjoy myself when there are bigger, more pressing matters at hand.  Like I've stated before, Adam has been wonderful throughout all this, but I could see it was taking a toll.  That's when I finally decided to see a specialist.  I trying to not be embarrassed about not having a baby yet.  And I'm starting to work out again.  I'm setting goals and trying not to be discouraged.  I hope that I can continue my progress.