Results please

I went to the doctor Tuesday afternoon and finally learned what's been wrong.
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Nothing.  Absolutely everything came back in the normal ranges.  It's so frustrating because I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong.  I also had an ultrasound.  I learned that with the Clomid I took this cycle I have one, slim possibility of two, healthy follicles in my right ovary and two very small non-producing ones in my left.  From what I understand, Clomid is taken to help you produce more healthy follicles.  So maybe I just haven't been producing healthy eggs each cycle??  I don't know.  They gave me a shot of 'human chorionic gonadotropin.' (I believe that's what it was anyways.)  This is used to stimulate my body to actually ovulate--basically tell my body to release the egg from the follicle.  Next week I go in to have my blood drawn again to check for my progesterone levels.  If they aren't high enough they will give me another shot.  This will tell my body to keep the fertilized egg, if in fact there is one. Then I wait.

I think that the waiting is the hardest part.  It's such a small window to manipulate egg production and release that you have to be very specific when you take this med, or that med and then when you....well, you know.  Then just sit back and wait to see if it worked.  If it worked then that will be amazing and I'll yell at myself for not doing this sooner.  If it doesn't I go back in for round two of drugs, (a higher dose this time) and more testing.

It amazes me that support that I've had since I started talking about this.  I never realized how many of my friends have gone, or are currently going through, this same situation.  It seems like something that no one wants to talk about.  I understand that in a way.  As a female your body is hardwired to reproduce.  It doesn't matter what species you are, animals need to create new life or their existence dies off.  Making a baby should be one of the easiest things that I can do.  It should be a no-brainer....but it's not.  And a part of me can't help but feel ashamed.  Why can't I reproduce?  What is wrong with me?  These are the doubts that have plagued me since we started trying to have a baby so many years ago. That's why I never went to the doctor until now.  I felt that as a woman I shouldn't need help to have a baby.  That's what my body wants to do.  I quickly learned that is in fact not what my body wants to do.  I saw time and time again my friends and family have babies.  I kept on thinking that they were somehow better than me.  That I had done something wrong and was being punished.  Then I definitely didn't want to get help.  I didn't want to be told that it was never going to happen for me.

With all these negative thoughts floating around in my head it's no surprise that I slowly started to become depressed.  I would become withdrawn from my family.  I stopped doing things that made me happy.  I thought if I punished myself another way that this punishment of not having a baby would be lifted.  I started to gain weight.  Since moving out to NC it has gotten worse.  Yes I'm finally with Adam full time, but my entire support system is still back in MO.  Since being here I've gained more weight and am now heavier than I've ever been.  Just one more thing for me to be ashamed about.  The depression has gotten so bad that I can barely ride anymore.  I just don't see the point.  Why should I enjoy myself when there are bigger, more pressing matters at hand.  Like I've stated before, Adam has been wonderful throughout all this, but I could see it was taking a toll.  That's when I finally decided to see a specialist.  I trying to not be embarrassed about not having a baby yet.  And I'm starting to work out again.  I'm setting goals and trying not to be discouraged.  I hope that I can continue my progress.

How to deal

I am starting to learn that this process is just like everything else in life...hurry up and wait.  It seems that my days are getting longer and time is passing slower.  I have an appointment next week to get my results and I feel like it's never going to get here.

I have been struggling a lot lately wondering why it is that Adam and I have to go through all this.  I know that it's not that uncommon and that lots of women feel the same, but sometimes my emotions get the better of me.  The hardest time is when I get on Facebook.  That wonderful place where you can have 500+ friends yet still find yourself lonely. I enjoy reading up on what everyone is up to and following the lives of the people I grew up with.  However, it seems that every time I'm on another one of my friends is expecting.  Every Time.  I am so happy for them.  I am also so jealous of them.  I have multiple friends who are able to have kid after kid and sometimes I want to ask them how they do it.  Like maybe I'm doing something wrong.  Then I have the ones who accidentally found themselves pregnant and some aren't even legal yet.  I feel for the young ones especially as they haven't had a chance to spread their wings and fly yet.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy for them--each and every one, but I can't shake the "it's not fair" feeling. 

Adam has been great as he constantly tries to reassure me.  I don't know if I'd be able to go through with all this if he wasn't so supportive.  He truly is the best husband I could have every hoped for.

Testing has started

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday for my first ultrasound and blood work.  It surprisingly wasn't as bad as I had predicted.  Once the ultrasound machine was turned on and I could see the picture I forgot what was going on down below.  I have been looking at ultrasounds for my horse for over a year and a half it was nice to see something different for a change!

It was very interesting to see all the reproductive organs on the screen.  Initially it seems that everything is as it should be.  I have a uterus and two ovaries that seem to be normal sized.  I start taking a drug, Clomiphene, tomorrow for five days.  This drug is suppose to encourage ovulation.  I go back in on the 13th for another ultrasound and more blood work.  We will then get the result of Adam's sperm count and mobility test.  Also, I learned last week that my family has a big history of thyroid disease so I made sure my doctor knew and added that test to my blood panel. 

It's all starting to feel real to me.  This is a really scarey time in my life.  I'm scared that they're going to find something wrong, I'm scared that they are not going to find something wrong, I'm scared that it's going to work and life as I know it is going to be forever changed....  I want this so bad.  Adam wants this so bad.  Sometimes I feel like we want it so bad that we are jinxing ourselves.  I'm trying to stay positive and not stress myself out because I know that won't make things any better.  I know this is for the best for my family so I'm doing my best to eliminate negative thoughts.  I hope I can keep it up.

Today is just the beginning

I have decided to create this blog to document the journey that my husband, Adam, and I are about to embark on.  We want to have a baby.

We have been married for just shy of nine years.  For the past five or six we have been trying to have a baby.  For some reason or another it hasn't been working.  I had hoped that it was because of his busy work schedule always going away for training or deployment, but he's been back now for over a year and a half and still nothing.  We have been keeping track of my cycles, keeping meticulous notes, and yet...nothing.  My biggest fear is that we are not going to be able to create a little one for us to love and cherish.  I guess this is the point I should warn you that some posts might get a little graphic.

Adam finally convinced me to go see a specialist. I went last week for an initial consultation to discuss all the options and roads that we have available.  I thought during this visit that I would be examined or that blood would be drawn or something.  But all we did was talk.  I will have to say that I was very disappointed.  I ended up bawling my eyes out on the way home and drowning my sorrows in ice-cream right out of the carton.  I was told that they couldn't run any tests until I started my period so I was on the hurry and wait train.  I wish I would have done more research before I went.  I really have no idea what we are in for and that scares me.

Well, I started my period last night so I called up the doctor this morning and I go in the afternoon for an ultrasound and blood work.  I got to say, the thought of an ultra sound during this time of month kind of grosses me out.  I know that eventually I will get use to all the poking and prodding during all stages of my cycle, but I'm not ok with it yet.  Also, today I should be able to learn something, either good or bad, but something nonetheless.  It's safe to say that I am a big scaredy cat because of all this.  Sometimes I don't want to know because I don't want the bad news that I can't help but feel is inevitable.  Through all this, however, my husband has been the best, most supporting husband I could ever hope for.  I feel so blessed to have him by my side.

So, today is the start of it all.  Today I start with the ultrasounds, blood work, and medications to all try and diagnose why we haven't gotten pregnant yet.  It's going to be a big change in our lives and I hope that we can survive the process.  And I hope that it works.  Wish us luck...